Okay, so unlike some other people, I didn’t care very much for Episode III. So here it is, my take on the last ever (thank God!) Star Wars movie.

The Top Ten Crappy Things About Episode III

10) Is there a Jedi power called “Force No-Need-To-Eat”? All that running around and dueling and fighting and whining is sure to make the most disciplined of Masters’ stomachs growl. Oh yeah, I forgot, a Jedi knows not pain. Nor anger. Nor, apparently, a digestive system. Gah!

9) The place where the final showdown between Obi-wan and Anakin is called… Mustafar. No, really. Trust George Lucas to name the place after the shopping centre in Little India where I get my cheap DVD players. Gah!

8) Why are you talking? Please, shut up. Please! You’re ruining the movie! Yes, the dialog is that bad.

Anakin: You’re so beautiful
Padme: That’s because I’m so in love with you.
Anakin: No, it’s because I’m so in love with you.

That’s Lucas’ idea of terms of endearment?! “You shut up.” “No, you shut up.” Gah!

7) “Eeee-Teeeeeee Goooo Hooooome.” You’ll know what I mean when you see the scene. Gah!

6) The film is so clean and beautiful I want to take a pimply-faced teenager to it and give it some zits. Ever seen the Stepford Wives? Ever got freaked out by how clean and perfect and nice they were? Yeah. The prequel-era Star Wars universe is so sterile you could eat off the bottom of a clone trooper’s pristine white armour-plated boot. Gah!

5) Anakin’s turn to the dark side was horribly, horribly done. What makes it worse is the framework for him to turn is all there - Lucas just didn’t use it properly. Lalala, look at me, I’ve been serving the Jedi and the forces of Good for most my life, ooooh, Padme’s dying, I think I’ll just turn to the dark side here, all whilst exhibiting no emotion and reading from this horrible script that makes me sound like an inept actor. GAH!

4) Mace Windu’s death.

Mace: “He’s a traitor!”
Palpatine: “No, he’s the traitor!”
Anakin: “But my wife will die! Whiiiiine!”
Mace: “Argh! There goes my hand! Anakin, WTF?!”
Palpatine: “Nyah nyah, I win!”
Anakin (bored-ly): “Woe is me, what have I done?”

…Gah!

3) In a universe where people parry lasers with laser swords, in an era of technology where faster-than-light travel is taken for granted, in a period of time where medical science has advanced to the point where they can replace entire limbs, you can’t get an ultrasound! What’s that, you say. You didn’t know Padme was carrying twins? GAH!

2) On a related note, nab*h, pregnant still can run ar?!? Padme is visibly into her third trimester. In the Star Wars universe, that means she can prance around like a young gazelle on the Serengeti! Wheeeeeeee, look at me, my backbone is made of titanium alloy! Gah!

1) “Nooooooooooo!!!!” - Darth Vader

Yeah, exactly what he said.

Alright, so there you have it. Episode III sucked, big time. It’s only saving grace is Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi, who actually put some effort into his acting. When he screams “You were my brother! I love you!”, you can really feel his agony. The same can’t be said of Anakin’s petulant retort - “I hate you!”

(Imagine a child who’s favourite toy was taken away because he wasn’t eating his breakfast. Imagine that face. Imagine Anakin saying that line, with that face)

The worst thing about all of this? Despite all that crap above, it’s better than Episodes I and II.